LEAVING. WILL BE BACK WITH A NEW LIFE. BYEEEEEEEEEE!

42 days left here.

irritated.

KLJAFOIJER(Q)I*#EQ)@J EUEIHJWKAS AIHW*(EUQ(*@&UE*(@&*@(*U@*UE*@QYEUI KJDNADWKAJHQ*UE*(QUE(*@*(@UHYNWAKJHKADHJ*(Q&*(&@*(&@@!(*(*)_)()_(*(&*^&%^%^$%^$QE%^@QGEUHJAWHAU WHDKJASHDKJASHDKJASHDSAJKHADSUH ahjdiwu9j(@UE(Q@UJHJKESHIUQW*UE*(@Q*(@QUYQ@UEIAKWHJKASDKASDKJKAHDS


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.

I made the decision to stay on with the company. Invested in a laptop which they'll pay back in instalments for the next 14 months. So basically if I want back all my money, I'm in here for 14 months. Usually after making a decision, tons of things will happens to make you feel like changing your mind and taking a different path. And it did. When I thought I was getting used to it, they dumped more work. And I continued to get scolded for ridiculous things. Wait why am I using past tense, it's still happening. Despite working over-time every single day. And last week was particularly bad with even a 11pm day coz I'm on 3 days leave and have no one to handover to so need to stay back and finish everything. Despite all that, I still get scolded by all the departments? For not doing their work?! Wth. My to-do list is 2 whole pages split into 2 so 4 columns on an A4 sheet. And still they say I'm not spending enough time reading up, doing reports, taking initiative and being interested. SO pissed right now. Telling them I have work from all over is not helping too. Ok whatever bye.

(Edited to add: I'm always only writing angsty stuff about work, but there are reasons I want to stay on here. Completely selfish reasons. So if I can put up with 13 more months, I'll have much more knowledge about Green Energy which is damn interesting and will be great on my resume. I just don't know what the next 13 months will do to my health and self-esteem tho. Being detested by everyone here.. how wonderful right.)

gosh I sometimes feel like I'm wasting my life away. Quarter-life crisis maybe? But that quest for knowledge which my parents keep talking about seems to have vanished for now. I just wanna slack whenever I get free time! NOT GOOD!!! (And that slacking includes SNACKING and not exercising so this is just taking a very very bad turn)

So I'm thinking of "projects" in life to be involved in, and look forward to. Like amma's bday surprise for eg. That was good. And with all the weddings coming up soon, I guess there's stuff to be done? And I could start preps really really early too and minimize last-min madness. So.

cliched but, LIVE LIFE TO YOUR FULLEST, arch!!

ps. and don't give up so easily!
pps. to others, if i'm all weird and whiny about how life sucks, pls remind me that chocolates give me disgusting skin and flabby arms, and 3 milo packets a day will make me gain 15kg in a month. thanks.

can't even make thayir. epic fail.

(yes i'm emo. looking for happy movies to get back into christmas spirit.)

@#$%&*&^@%$^#%!@#$##@!%$#^^&@##@@#@$**&*#&*^$&!!

and it's because the site guy who gave me the measurements messed up, thereby wasting several hours of my time on wrong calculations,
and because the oh-see-how-far-i've-come-in-life boss just woke up and realised there's a deadline, and doesn't know how to take on one job at a time despite severe lack of manpower.
damnnnnnnnnnn it. supremely pissed.

i'm trying but i can't find any silver lining here.

sigh soooooooooo emo :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

dumb idiotic mood swings GAHHHHH. wasn't this supposed to happen during teenage years. ugh. it's happy one moment, sad the next, then mushy and high, and then super depressed. wth.

K so I'd written and published a looong blog post just now, eating into my dinnertime n stuff, and when I came back and re-read it, just got increasingly annoyed with myself and deleted it. omg how many times do I have to whine to the world to complain about sept?! sigh. It wasn't even THAT terrible, the way I'm making it out to be. But apart from those 5 reasons I'd written earlier, there were two more which made the month suckier - the AT totally busy at work with an absolutely MAD schedule, and getting increasingly closer to quarter-life crisis!

So a review of the month: I have to admit, the first day was indeed crappy. At work. Involving a meeting with the management committee and major embarrassment on my part. And that's when, with the help of others, I realised that if I continue to be this weak, there's no way I can survive in this cut-throat world. And this is just the beginning of adulthood. What happens when I do further studies, in addition to work, and then marriage and responsibilities, and then KIDS?! omg. So then I started thinking of myself as some spineless sap, with no purpose in life. As vidhu put it, an Existential Crisis. Dumb insecurities which creep into my mind and completely change the way I think and do stuff. Wasn't suicidal or anything, but just very blah about life. And again, made another realisation, that I have to start constructively contributing to the world. And improve myself as well. Today, I just randomly flipped to a page in 7 habits for the teenage soul, and the first thing I saw was:

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change

This immediately struck a chord. I keep saying the same stuff, but I dunno, it's some kind of temporary inspiration/realisation I guess which keeps coming and going. I'm the one who controls my life. If I want to see some kind of change in my life and lifestyle, I'm the main person who can make it happen. True that environment, bosses, family, etc play a very big part. But ultimately the choices are mine right? So I read that really optimistic post I wrote some time back about wanting to REALLY experience life and now feel much better. Also, it helps that Oct has been pretty great so far. Oh man I'm totally digressing and talking about a whole lot of things at once.

Right so the first day was bad. Navarathri was great - lotsa arguments and annoyances but the end-product was totally worth it! The concert - oh GOD. Voice totally died coz it was being drowned by the instruments, but others all say it's coz of my nervousness. I'm sure both played a part. I was definitely not confident for one of the songs, and that was the longest one. So I was pretty upset after it ended but the immense relief took over shortly and after that I didn't care too much :P anyway, that's another avenue that needs to be improved on.

Um oh and the fact that we only met ONCE the whole month was rather sad, and timings clashed so badly. But the birthday celebs were really sweet :) I was not at all looking forward to it actually, and was very busy with work on that day. But 13th, 14th and 15th was lovely with all the wishes, outings, surprises and catching up. Thanks you guys!

I think I've started blabbering. It's past 12.30 and I should be sleeping but I feel weird. Gah. Oh went to the library one day to get myself some chick lit and got six books of fluff (yes the limit's SIX books now wooooot!). Brainless feel-good chicklit is so awesome, and somehow inspires me heh. So did Gossip Girl wth. I felt I need to put in more effort in how I look, to feel better and more confident. Does that go into "shallow" territory? Anyway. First weekend which wasn't completely packed so I took time off to smell the roses (i.e. watch dumb tv shows and drink tea and read) and catch up with people. Watched The Time Traveller's Wife! Went without expectations and really liked the movie (after not really liking the 5 previous movies watched previously). It was a really rejuvenating weekend. Maybe that's why I'm still awake now. I feel high and drunk. Ok maybe diary-writing will help. I hope I don't end up deleting this post too. Goodnight.

horrible weekend.

hiii. After months of group rehearsals for our first ever music concert as a separate music academy, the performance is finally over! It was alright I guess. I'd felt goosebumps when we sang the songs during the rehearsals, but felt kinda well, bored :P, on stage coz from where I was, it didn't even sound like one united voice as it did in the practice sessions. But apparently it sounded good from the audience. Anyway, I'm writing all this coz.. during these 4-5 months, I was definitely whining to everyone about the erratic timings, waiting for ages for the class to start, using up my individual classes for group classes, etc. And this morning, I was all set to start off my usual classes again, now that the programme's over. But my teacher told me to call the rest of the group too. And all of us were like ??! what on earth man. We've spent SO much time on practice already, what now, the next programme for sept? Or some competition?? And all my teacher said was that she wanted to congratulate all of us, in person, as feedback from the audience said that our group rocked the show! That's so awesome to hear (and nothing new :P) but still, I finally put my feet in teacher's chappals and realised how much effort she's put into this - choosing songs, writing out the words and notations, calling everyone for classes and organizing everything. And how much she wanted it to be a success. And all I did was grumble about the fact that I was wasting all my weekends on just classes and rehearsals. Sigh. Majorly guilt-ridden now. And today also I snapped at everyone for no reason coz I thought dammit one more class gone, when all she wanted to do was personally talk to us about the show. Siiiiigh. Sorry, to all victims.

Anyway, another thing that happened was. Last week, I went to office and saw an email that "Yesterday was xxx's last day of service" and that he was terminated due to poor responsibility, etc. I was really shocked man. This guy joined on the same day as me, and we both had absolutely no experience in this line. So we learnt everything together and in a way he was the first friend I made in this job. And I'd just seen him that afternoon and asked what he was doing at the site. He was obviously completely clueless about the firing. And what a shock he must've got when he returned to office and was told to pack up. omg. So I just had to ask the HR person what happened and she told me he didn't fit in there. So that's it. One evening he goes back to office, and in the snap of a finger, jobless. SO awful :( And I went home super emo and spoke to my parents and appa said "welcome to the working world, my dear girl". That about sums it up.